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'A nightmare of floaty latex'


The weekend just gone I performed at two children’s parties.


One of my rules for parents is not to put balloons all over the floor… Not that anyone ever listens. I went upstairs to the function room to a nightmare of floaty latex.

I’m not a killjoy, really I am not. But I am not a fan of balloons on the floor. Balloon artwork , yes. Ballon Models, yes. Ballon Arches, oh yes, balloon displays on walls, yes. Inflated balloons stuck in a binbag and strewn across the floor… Nope!



The parents blew the balloons up (with the air from their lungs.). Two reasons I dislike this… There is something I read somewhere that you only get a certain amount of breaths in your life time… If this IS the case then blowing them into a squeaky rubber bag is surely just a waste. That said I don’t really believe in that, I think it’s nonsense, so instead lets talk about the fact, that the moment you breath into one of these balloons they float through the air as lethal covid bombs, just waiting for someone to pop them!


And don’t fool yourself into thinking some kid wont pop them... but that is just one of many balloon related child issues. There is always a child at a party who loves the balloons like they are their pet, who gets an emotional atttachement and takes one home with them, this kid's parents hate the pointless balloon as much as me. That balloon is inevitably going to pop, or deflate into some shrivelled up exhausted bag of air, and the kid is going to have to grieve over the loss of their pet balloon.



Another kid has to have as many balloons as possible. This kid stomps around the room collecting balloons like their life depends on it, but they aren’t interested and caring about the balloons like the last kid, oh no, this one is destined to grow up to be the school bully. They are incapable of sharing with any other child who wants a balloon, and will kick off as soon as their parents tell them they have to share.


Next you’ve got the stampy kid. This kid’s only mission in life is to create as much havoc as possible, by jumping on the balloons to pop them. It gives them the greatest amount of happiness to watch adults jump for cover, as they feel that they are under gunfire, and watch with glee at the latex strewn chaos they have created.


Then there’s the quiet kid. Much as they may not be quiet themselves they hate loud noises, and so they are sat in the corner shivering with fear, whilst the stamp kid pops the balloons. This child is like to go into therapy for their PTSD from the balloons bursting later in life, as they are an emotional wreck.


Then there is me, the kids entertainer. I've told you not to put balloons on the floor, but my advice has fallen on deaf ears, it's not like I entertain at 100+ children's birthday parties a year. I'm standing there, thinking to myself, Why don't the parents just listen?



So yeah…. Balloons on the floor. Not my thing.


At this particular party I moved the balloons to another area of the room with a game I play with the kids, basically I tell them they have 30 seconds to get all the balloons to a certain place (as far away as possible) and then come back to me, and we carried on as usual, the balloons adding nothing to the day.


It was a really nice party, and the balloons didn’t wreck the party (this time).


Next was on Sunday.


I am very lucky thast I have a residency on Sunday mornings in Hamley’s toy shop. When the shop is closed people hire the store for their children’s parties, and I perform a 30 minute show for them, before they get a VIP tour of the shop, filled with fun and games. It’s an absolute pleasure and a job I love and am proud of doing at such an iconic venue.


I had a look at my phone prior to the party, and saw on social media my firend Liam was in London for a show. Liam is based in Cumbria, but is touring the UK with an 80s and 90s show. It was great to meet up with Liam. We went to O Neils on Carnaby Street.


Liam has recently lectured about working at holiday parks at Blackpool Magic Convention. For those of you who don’t know, every February there is a magic convention held in Blackpool, and it is the biggest and best one in the whole world. So Liam is right up there. Liam sings, does a little magic, and circus skills, and is an all round good guy!


We put the world to rights, he went to his tech rehearsal, whilst I made my way home to spend the afternoon with my family.


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